My due date is
Today I am
I have gained
I wish there were some way to really know what is going on inside my uterus right now.
It is all a big mystery to me what is going on in there. I want to see my baby. I want to know that it's healthy, that everything is growing as it should. I put my hand over my lower abdomen and concentrate hard, but I don't get any inkling of what's going on. I don't even know if I'm pregnant with one baby or two! My baby's heart should have started beating yesterday, but I have no way of knowing if it did or not.
My body is the only clue I have to tell me if this pregnancy is doing OK. And thank God, everything weird that's happening with it are all yes these are definitely pregnancy symptoms type things and not uh oh this pregnancy may be in trouble symptoms. I feel fatigued, my breasts are beyond sore, I have to pee all the friggin' time, and I'm constatly hungry even though food neither smells nor tastes right. I have to eat even with the weird taste issue, because if I don't I feel sick to my stomach and shaky. I'm not having any scary symptoms like spotting or bad cramps, so I should be feeling fine, even good about being pregnant.
And I do feel good about this pregnancy and I do think that the baby is just fine. But it's hard to shut up the little worries, the statistics of how common miscarriage really is.
I don't think I would be able to handle having a miscarriage, even though I'm not far along at all. We have waited so long for this. If I were to miscarry it would devastate both my husband and I, I know that, and of course it is my biggest fear. I want this child so much. I couldn't bear losing it.
I think I'll feel better after our first ultrasound. Seeing the flickering heartbeat will reassure me. Until then I'm sure I'm going to keep worrying. I'm going to keep checking for blood every time I go to the bathroom and I'm going to keep touching my breasts to make sure they're still sore.